Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
