once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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