when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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