I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
