her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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