One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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