is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
