Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
