apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
