this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
