I am full of burrito and curiosity
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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