4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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