i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
