I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
