Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
