Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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