That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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