I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
