Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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