so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
