Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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