your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
