so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
