i just sent this text using only my big toe
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize