she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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