I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
