I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
