i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
