I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
