im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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