the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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