Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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