I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
