I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
