please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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