i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
