I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
