I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
