youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
