I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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