Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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