Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize