duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
