Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
