i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
