and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
