just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
