This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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