Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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