She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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