i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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