Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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