Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I AM VODKA MAN
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
