Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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